Merry Christmas 2009

From our family to yours!

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Shawna

Father and son bonding *take 2*

Never leave father and son together for too long! Who knows what they'll conjer up! : ) 12 tattoos on his body! He runs around "see my tats!"

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Shawna

Father and son bonding

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Shawna

The Prayer Group for Lori

Prayer for Lori Bozarth

Causes on Facebook Prayer for Lori Bozarth


Please join us!!!

Thanks and love to you all!

A much needed update...

So, It has been forever... I apologize. I have been having a hard time coming back "here". When I started this blog it was to keep everyone updated about things that were going on with my pregnancy and the baby. Since I lost the baby and God gained her it has been a struggle. I just don't know what to say on "here". I have been on idle as far as my blog is concerned. For that I am truly sorry. Please forgive me. : )

What have we been up to lately?

I successfully potty trained Garrett. Woot Woot! Started the Monday after Labor Day and he has got it down to a ~t~ now. My gosh that first couple days I thought I was gonna go crazy. I didn't think I was going to be able to get through it. AS SOON AS (I mean it) I got him off the toilet from "trying to potty" he would pee his pants. I was pulling my hair out. I got this chart with stickers for potty training. Each time he'd pee or try to pee he'd get a sticker for himself and for the chart. He was into the sticker chart thing but, could care less about the pottying. It was hairy but, I made it through and he is POTTY TRAINED. Sweeet!

~I love this pic of G at his grandma Sharry's.~

When I was pregnant with Garrett and found out he was going to be a boy. Of course, I was excited but, didn't understand why everyone kept telling me, "Oh, you just wait." "Boys are pains!" I was just like yeah, yeah whatever. Didn't really pay attention. But, now I am starting to understand. This past couple days I have felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I had to take Garrett to the ER on Wednesday night. He was playing on the floor, spinning around in circles on his hands and knees, being a "BOY", and popped his arm out of the socket. He couldn't move his right arm and so to the hospital we went. He had Nursemaid's elbow. They popped it back in and he was all better. He kept telling all the nurse's and doctor's "I better, I better!" He is a little mockingbird these days and repeats everything he hears. Yesterday, we managed to skim by with out the hospital but, had not 1 but, 2 bloody lips! I thought I was going to lose it at the end of that day. Whew! He is in to EVERYTHING! I have had to call poison control. He got into the Rol-Aids and thought they were candy. Needless to say; All the medicine is now LOCKED up. Please tell me it gets better?? If it doesn't I think I am probably gonna have a heart attack. Other than that he is a vibrant little boy. He is growing like a weed. Loves his 4wheeler, his bike, and all his cars and trucks. Really, I'm kinda sad he is growin' up. The time has just flown by.

This year has been extremely hard to say the least. I have found myself angry, sad, hurt, and honestly, doubting My God. This has been the hardest year of my life. It feels like every time I turn around something is happening. I wander "What I did so bad?" and "Why?" quite often.
I lost my baby girl and that was really hard. It's hard to remember when I am down in a pit God's blessings. He blessed her by taking her home to Heaven (who doesn't want to call that home), he spared her from numerous surgeries, a lot of pain. She will never be hurt now. I do hold on to thought of the day she will be in my arms again. I have hope!! That is how I get through the days. How I am able to cope with her passing. RIP Baby girl! Mommy loves and misses you very much.

~Lori and Jordan~

Now, Lori was diagnosed with Stage 4 GI Signet ring Cancer. She is fighting for her life right now against stupid cancer. She was scheduled for a total hysterectomy a couple weeks ago. They were thinking originally that it was ovarian cancer but when they went in to do the hysterectomy discovered that it was far worse than they thought and it wasn't in the "female organs" (although it covered them) after all. They ended up only removing the ovaries and leaving the rest. They figured out that it originated in the GI tract. Being that it is in the GI tract it is an inoperable cancer and Chemo would be the only treatment. She had her 1st Chemo treatment last Thursday. She is still in the hospital but working on coming home. She has to eat and get her strength up to sustain herself before they will let her go home. She has so much pressure and pain in her stomach that it is hard to eat. She is struggling. Her mouth is covered inside with blisters from the Chemo which is also making it hard to eat. Yesterday, she ate a lot more than normal and spent the entire night last night throwing up. It hurts really bad that she is going through this. She is young(42) and has a 6 yr old little boy. She should not be dealing with this. She should be at home with her little boy. Watching him grow and be a child. Cancer decided to ease in and try to take over. But, Guess what. You will not win. We will fight and you will not take this mother away from her child. You will not rob this 6yr little boy of his mommy.

~Lori and Jordan again~

Sandra and I have created a facebook prayer group for Lori. We would love it if you joined us in praying for the healing, peace, and strength of Lori. I will add the link when I figure out how. : )

Also, Sandra has put together a prayer group by email and I am soooo excited about that too. It is AWESOME!! Hi Ladies! If you would like to join us just email me or leave me a comment and I'll get you added to the list.

Please continue to pray for Lori, Jordan, and family. We truely are grateful for all your continued prayers and support.

Thanks and Love to you all!
Shawna

My heartache....

These past 2 months have been tough to say the least. I haven't felt like doing much of anything. As you can tell by my blog. :) I have avoided the blog because it really hurts to talk about it all. I have just been trying to get through the days and keep my mind busy so, I wouldn't have to think about reality. The best way I know to explain it to you. I fill my days by focusing all my attention on the child I do have here. I wrap myself up in him. Garrett has helped me in so many ways. That little guy will never know or be able to grasp how much he really has helped me get through this. He gives me ALL the strength I do have. He is where I find my happiness. Without him, I don't feel like I would have been able to get through this as easy/well as I am. I say easy but none of this is easy. Nowhere near it. But, with him, there is reason for my being, he is the reason I continue on, the reason I get up in the morning, the reason I am able to get through the day. I have to keep going on. I can't just give up. Sometimes, I wish I could just throw in the towel and be done. Be done with all the pain I feel on a constant basis. Be done with the fight to get through. But, I can't quit and throw in the towel. Garrett needs me. He needs his mother. I have to be okay and get through this for him. He deserves to have his mommy complete, not broken. It will take time but, I'm working on it. He is just now starting to calm down from all the stress. These past 2 months so much has gone on. It has taken a toll on him and his behavior. Children sense more than we know. I have seen and realized the impact that this all has had on him first hand. I tell you, it's really sad. There for awhile he wouldn't leave my side. It is getting better tho. Thank you Lord! Honestly, It's day by day with him and I.

I have to say that things were getting better. The days were getting easier. I had accepted that he was gone and I would never be able to hold him or see all his first's or milestones. The first's I would just have to dream about. My baby was with Jesus. All I have is all the keepsakes and a permanent scar reminding me of the life I lost. I did and still do, however, find great peace in knowing my baby is with Jesus. What could be better than that?! He is in such a great place. How could I not find peace in that? I find much hope in knowing that one day I will get to see and hold my baby again. Hope is all I have and that hope I hold on to with everything in my soul.

Over the past 2 months, I have been grieving and mourning for my baby boy. My John David Troy. I longed for the son I was told I had. I spent 2 days in the hospital holding and cherishing my baby. Those 2 days I will never forget. When God decided that I would not be keeping my "little boy"; that he had other plans for my precious baby; that he would be taking him home with him, I was devastated. Through all the pain and grief I had to plan a service to lay my baby boy to rest. Every detail of his service meant everything to me. From the clothes I chose to bury him in to the flowers that were chosen. I wanted everything to be perfect. Everything I chose, was for my little boy, in all the boy colors. This service was all I would ever be able to do for him physically and it all HAD to be perfect for him. This was were I would be able to get some closure. Atleast, I thought I would.

Over these past couple months I was finding great peace with my loss. That is.......

Until now....

Now, my world has been turned upside down. My core shaken. I don't know what to think much less what to do. I am devastated. I am numb. I am in shock. I am confused beyond explanation. These past few days I have been trying to process everything. I have only talked to a few of you. I have been trying to sort through all this, take some time to think. Try to find the words to even be able to explain it all. As you all know, I visited my Geneticist on Thursday. That was when we were gonna get all the results of the autopsy. When we were gonna figure out what went wrong. Why my baby died. It is not easy handing your baby over to have an autopsy done on. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But, I felt like we needed to know what happened and if the Dr.'s could figure out what went wrong with my baby then maybe just maybe they would be able to help some other baby. I had put limitations on the autopsy as far as the head. I couldn't let them do that. Honestly, I really wanted to back out of it all together. I still struggle with that decision to this day. Ok, back to my appointment, according to my Geneticist it turns out that my baby was actually my baby girl. My precious baby girl. I really had a daughter. I lost her not him. I am still in shock. I am heartbroken. I have more thoughts and emotions running through my head that I can't even express or explain how I feel. I found out that the baby boy I have been holding on to never even existed. I am struggling. I feel like I have now lost 2 babies. My mind is having trouble grasping everything. As far as the genetic makeup of my baby she was perfect. To me she was so beautiful and perfect. They can't seem to figure out why or what happened. Mine and Dusty's genetic makeup had absolutely no red flags or markers that would indicate any problems. Therefore, we are "cleared" to have more children. Should we decide to have more. Not likely. But, only time will tell. We'll see what the future holds.

Now, When I went in to labor and had my baby girl. It was pretty tramatic. I was rushed to the hospital with what they call "umbilical cord prolapse". I was put under for what they call a "crash" emergent c-section. I was out for awhile and by the time I had woke up she was already gone. Honestly, I am really glad God chose it to be that way because I don't think I could have handled not being able to save my baby and watch her take her last breath. I think I would have lost it worse than I did. When I did wake up they gave her to me and said "It's a boy!" I was surprised (because all along my dr. said he thought it was a girl according to my ultrasounds) but didn't question it. From that point on I never thought again about my Dr. telling me that I'd be having a girl. They never were 100% sure and people make mistakes on ultrasounds all the time. Right?? When they handed her to me and told me I'd had a boy from that moment on I went on and cherished every moment I would be given thinking she was my son. The Dr.'s never once thought maybe we need to do some testing to make sure. Nothing. When my daughter was born she obviously had problems. It's not that I didn't grasp that. It was pretty evident. Really, I didn't care because like I said before to me she was perfect. I can see where she would have appeared to be a boy she had what they call abnormal genitalia: the labia were fused and she had a small (very very small) flap of skin which the dr.'s assumed was a penis. They did notice that she had no testicles which make sense now because she wasn't a boy but didn't question their assumption and assumed they just hadn't dropped yet since she was premature. I know you all probably didn't want details of my child's genetalia but, this is how I am trying to explain what might have went wrong. Among those problems she had others her kidneys and lungs were hypoplastic. One kidney was multicystic along with the bladder obstruction. She had a blockage in her trach and esophagus. She was very sick. God did what was best for my little girl and protected her from all the pain that she would have had to endure if she would have survived. I am very thankful for him and the fact he chose better for her. As much as it hurts me, I am glad she is safe in his hands.

Part of me is angry that they waited 8 weeks to let me know that I had a girl not a boy. I did not bury my baby until a week after I was released from the hospital. They completed her autopsy the day I left the hospital. There was ample amount of time to give me a call and say hey you had a girl. I cannot go back and do it all over. I can't have another service. I can't go back and change any of it. My daughter is buried in a cute little white suit made for a boy, and she had boy toys in her casket with her among other things for a boy. Somehow, some way, I will have to figure out how to be ok with all this. I don't have a choice do I? I have an incredible amount of guilt that I didn't question the Dr.'s, that I can't go back and do it again. Fix it. I can't give her physically what she deserved. I know all that matters is the love I have for her. None of that really matters right? The closure I thought I had. I really don't. In my mind I have lost 2 babies. That is how I feel. It really really hurts! I am still really attached to the baby boy aspect. It's hard. That's all I can say. When it comes down to it I love her more than anything no matter what the result was.

I know this was incredibly long and for that I am sorry. I guess that's what happens when you don't blog for almost 2 months. :)- And, guess what I didn't even cover Garrett's birthday we had or anything else we've been doing lately. teehee! I'll save it for another day. I mean seriously there is so much more I could and probably will say on this but, for now I'll let you all go. My vision is starting to get blurry from this computer! Ah!

I ask you all to pray for peace, wisdom and strength for myself and my family. There is a long journey ahead.

Much love to you all!

Shawna

Update

An update coming soon. I am getting it all together and will post soon.

Much luv,
Shawna

A Poem

God, Take This Child.....

by Nancy Scott

Sweet child whom we never really got to know,

It's hard for us to let you go.

We waited and we wanted you.

We had so many dreams for you.

We think of smiles we'll never see.

We think of events that will never be.

There will be no first steps and no first teeth.

There is only a void and our own grief.

We planned to take you to places far and near.

We yearned to keep you safe and free from fear.

We hoped to show you much of your new world.

We wanted to teach you as your life unfurled.

It's hard to understand why you, our baby, died.

We feel so numb right now, many tears we've cried.

We have so many questions and no answers seem to come.

We tried so hard to save you; nothing could be done.

God, we stand before you broken-hearted

and ask you to heal these lives that must be parted

from this little one we can no longer hold,

who will always be a part of us, even when we're old.

God, take this child in your loving arms.

No more can her suffer any harm.

Bless him always and bless us too.

Be with us and help us to make it through.

A Letter to my son

My Angel,

My Darling precious baby boy. Mommy loves and misses you so much. When God chose Heaven as your home mommy was very sad but, now baby boy I see that you are in a Glorious, magnficant place. A place where I want to be and will be with you one day. I love you baby boy. My heart aches for you. I just want to hold you in my arms, feel you close to me, watch you sleep peacefully tucked in my bed next to me, daddy, and bubba. Mommy still can't get bubba out of my bed. Oh, how I miss you angel. When you were born you looked just like your bubba. You had the same eyes, hair, same long fingers and toes. You looked just like him. You were and are so perfect and beautiful. I am so blessed to have been chosen to be your mommy. You were everything I could have ever asked for and more. My sweet Angel, I will never forget you. You will live on in my heart forever and always. When God took you he took a piece of me too. I miss you so much and cannot wait to hold you again one day. I am going to miss getting to see all your milestones. From the first time you smiled to your first steps. The first time I heard you say mommy. I am going to miss everything about you. My heart aches that I will miss seeing what all you would have accomplished or who you would have become. It's okay, Angel, I find peace in knowing you are with our Lord God, safe in his hands. You will never know what it's like to hurt or be hurt in your little life. I wouldn't want anything less for you, Angel. Baby boy you will always live on in my heart and I will never ever forget you. I love you so so much.

I Love you
forever and always,

Mommy

Service Info for John David Troy

First, I would like to thank you all for your continued prayers, comments, and words of encouragement. They have meant so much to me as I try to get through each day. I miss my baby so much that it physically hurts. I take comfort tho in knowing that he is safe in the hands of our Lord Jesus and he will NEVER hurt or be hurt in his little life. Of course, I would give anything to have my baby back in my arms with me, he is however, in a much better place than we are and one day he will be in my arms again.

Thank you all so much for everything.

Thank you mom, Sandra, and Angie for keeping up with my blog and for just being there for me. I don't know what I would have done without you guys.

Services for our baby boy John David Troy Kitchko
will be held:

Saturday, May 30th, 2009 at 1:00

In the Chapel at Sunset Memorial Park Cemetary

2301 E. Indian Hills Road
Norman, OK

Sunset is located off Indian Hills Road between Sooner and Air Depot. You can take Sooner to Indian Hills Rd or I-35 to Indian Hills Rd.

Once Again, Thank you for everything!

Much love to you all,
Shawna

In Remembrance of our baby boy...

When you get into the site you will have to enter in your email & name to view the pics.

xoxo,

Shawna

John David Troy

Our precious little Angel has gone to be with our Lord. Shawna and Dusty are doing as well as can be expected. I am in AWE of my daughter, the strenght she has is inspiring. Please continue to uplift her with your prayers!!

Our son the angel John David

Today Jesus came and picked his flowers and he has taken with him to heaven Shawna and Dusty's sweet baby boy John David.

As you know Shawna was having trouble with her pregnancy and today she lost her sweet son. I am not sure all the information she wants me to post on here but here we go.

Today Shawna woke up and the umbillical cord was hanging from her. She was rushed to the hospital and had to have an emergency C-Section. Shawna and Dusty's son was born at approximately 10:45 a.m. and passed at 11:30 a.m. John David did take some breathes and had a pulse. John David weighed approximately 2 pounds and 15 ounces.

She had many family members and friends present to be by her side. We all had a chance to hold this precious little boy in our hands. Even though this is not the best of times, seeing that baby boy and how tiny and perfect he was, it was the most awesome expericence I have ever seen. He was beautiful.

Shawna seems to be doing okay. I am happy she will be able to hold this baby in her arms for a couple of days till her family decides what to do. She has some time. She will be in the hospital for 4 to 5 days. She has many decisions to make. We will keep you posted as to when arrangements and the funeral will be.

Keep her family in your prayers. Shawna, I look up to you. You are the bravest and one strong woman. I love you! Grace and Peace to you and yours.

Some pictures

Garrett had his first Dentist appointment the other day. Everything is great. Here is some pics I took of the visit since I "fixed" my camera. You don't want to know I probably broke it more than it was but hey it works better now. hehe!


The "Choo Choo" as he'd call it!




Showing off his teeth in the train!



Him telling me to get up there!



Isn't he cute!

I am back... xoxo

Well........ I know it's been awhile! It has been a crazy past couple of weeks.

I had a Dr. appt. on the 13th (I know I know) and at this appointment they discovered protein in my urine which is a sign of preeclampsia. I don't know much about preeclampsia other than that it has some to do with kidney function, high blood pressure, and so on. I haven't been having high blood pressure or swelling or anything like that. It also could be dangerous if left untreated which I see the Dr. all the time so I am not all that concerned about it being dangerous to myself or the baby. I see the Dr. again tomorrow morning for further testing and an ultrasound. So, I will surely get results this week sometime. I pray tomorrow for fluid, lots of it and of course no preeclampsia.

When I was pregnant with Garrett I stressed all the time. I was scared to death. I did not enjoy my pregnancy like I should have. I spent the majority of the 9 months worried about everything. Really, it was crazy. When I found out I was pregnant this time I told myself OK you've done this once, you know what to expect, etc.. I just wanted to enjoy it, I wanted everything to go smooth and be normal. Normal this would not be. But, These days I am doing better with coping. I often get by without tears. I put on this strong front but, inside I am falling apart. It is hard. It's hard when you see people having their baby showers when I should be planning for my baby. When someone mentions a baby shower or anything that has to do with a baby or I see a baby out and about It feels like I have been punched in the gut. It's not that I am not happy for them or the precious babies they will be having or have it's just that I want that too. It hurts like hell that I may not have that. According to my Dr.'s I will NOT have that unless, a miracle happens. Which it very well could. And, That is what I hope and pray for. It just hurts!! Plain and simple.. It hurts!! The only words I have for the way I feel day in and day out..

The week before Easter we had the opportunity to spend a few days with Carson and Megan while mom and dad got some time away. We had fun and it kept my mind busy. Carson is one day older than Garrett. They had a lot of fun playing. Of course they had their moments but all in all they did great. I took them to the zoo the Saturday before Easter which was fun. They loved the park and carousel the best. Go figure. :) We had a great time with them and I didn't realize how much I missed Carson. Garrett and I used to spend basically everyday with him(I used to watch him) and then we didn't see him for awhile so it was great getting to spend some time with him and Megan.

Our Easter was fun and busy. We went to Church, lunch, did Easter with my family, then went to Dusty's families for Easter with them. The day was packed but we did get it all done. Garrett had fun. He got the hang of the egg hunting real quick and ended up with a ton of candy and toys. He got like 4 Easter baskets. :) By the time we got home he was wore smooth out. I didn't get any pictures myself because my camera was messed up. That's part of the reason I have no pics up yet on my blog. They are coming though.

Yesterday, we did the 89er day parade in Guthrie. It was fun and the longest parade I have ever been to. It was 2 hours long. I thought it was never gonna end. :) Garrett loved all the "horsies". And, he almost gave me a heart attack when he decided to dart off from our curb up to one of the trucks in the parade. I let him out of the stroller for a short time and off he went. I had taken my eyes off him literally for a second and I looked back and he was gone. Like I said I almost had a heart attack. Needless to say his stint out of the stroller was short lived. Although, It was fun I was definitely glad when it was time to go. I couldn't believe how many people had entered into this parade and it didn't help that one of the first things I saw was a carriage with a casket in it. It was some advertisement for a funeral home but still, It knocked me for a loop and if we wouldn't have been at a parade with 9 million people around I would have had a meltdown but I just took some deep breaths and fought the tears. I have learned lately that when I feel a meltdown coming on to just take big deep breaths. Seriously, a meltdown in the middle of walmart is probably a little awkward. Anyways, back to the parade besides the carriage with the casket it was fun and the boys had a blast.

Garrett in the car on the way to the parade



Garrett and mommy!



Garrett and Aunt Lori! I think she was trying to get out of this picture..


Garrett enjoying the parade!

I guess I will get off here and go check on Garrett. I will let you all know how things go tomorrow.

Thank you all for your continued prayers. I am blessed to have all of you in my life!

Much love,

Shawna

My Blog

Hey everyone!

I am officially a blogger now! :) I was really nervous about doing this because I am not a great writer and I didn't even know what I would call it and so on. But, after my mom came up with the name I figured I would just do it. She is so smart, she did research and looked up the meaning behind mine and Garrett's name then came up with my blogspot url. Clever, I have to say. I would have never even thought to do that. So, this is my "official" blog and just know when you come here it's not gonna be proper like all the other blogs I love and follow. I will tell you all more about those later. They are great and have given me a lot of peace and helped me more than anyone will ever know. I will write more later. The kiddoes just woke up from their naps so I got to go for now!

I love you all and keep praying for the baby!


Shawna

My appointment Update

*This blog is from April 1st*

First and foremost... I would like to thank each and every one of you for your prayers and continued support. This is an extremely difficult time in my life and as I search for the reasoning behind this I do find peace and comfort in knowing that this ultimately is in God's hands and it will be his will no matter what.

As for the appointment Monday nothing really has changed. I am extremely blessed to have found such an awesome Dr. who is willing to do whatever it takes to make this easier on me. Which this will never be easy. I went in and had my consultation. Was there for about 3 1/2 hours. We talked about our options. The next move, etc.. I have so much to think about and a lot of decisions to make in a short amount of time. Because at this point time is of the essence. He went ahead and had me do another ultrasound while I was there. The ultrasound showed the baby has a complete blockage in the urethra and that is why I don't have ANY amniotic fluid. The problem with this is that with the blockage the baby is not able to urinate therefore all the fluids are being backed up into the babies kidney's which in time the kidney's will shut down if they haven't already. The Dr. can do a procedure to see if the kidney's have shut down and if they haven't I can have surgery to go in and put a shunt in the baby to re-route the urine out the babies stomach. With all surgeries comes risks to myself and the baby. There is a 1/3 chance that during surgery I could lose too much blood and need a blood transfusion, send me in to pre-term labor, get a really bad infection and be sick, and they could damage my uterus to the point I could possibly need a hysterectomy and never be able to have kids again. This is the scariest for me because I have always wanted to have several kids. Now, I can do the surgery and it not even change the outcome which is very likely according to my Dr. because my babies lung development is also in question. There is about a 99% chance that my babies lungs never developed because my fluid levels have always been low and lung development starts at 13-14 weeks and if I had low fluid then, then any procedure or surgery I do will not change the outcome. The Dr. basically said that he didn't recommend me doing the surgeries and risking my health because with my history throughout this pregnancy it didn't look like the outcome would change. Honestly, I really don't know what to do. All I am 100% sure about is that I will not terminate this pregnancy. I cannot make that decision even if the outcome is what it is. I would not be able to live with myself. It has to be God that takes this baby.As far as the procedure and surgery goes I am scared to death to risk everything and do them and I am scared to death to not do them. Miracles do happen and what if my baby miraculously grew lungs and if I do not do them the baby will not survive due to kidney failure. I am so confused. I still have Garrett I have to think about as well. He needs me well. If I only knew if the baby had lungs or not. Which I talked to the Dr. today and he said that there is nothing that can be done to tell if the baby had lung development. He said that he could almost guarantee their wasn't but still you never know. He said that if the baby had partial blockage then the outcome would be much better. Like I said before he doesn't think the surgery is a good idea but is willing to do what I want. He said that if I was older and this was gonna be my last child then he would say let's go for it but being I am still young and have the ability to have more children he doesn't really want me to take the risks involved and potentially not ever have anymore children and us still not save this one. He also said that the chances of this ever happening again is 0%. This is so hard. I don't know what to do. I don't know what move to make. I just don't know. I cannot even explain how I feel right at this moment. I know this is long and I have probably repeated a lot of stuff but, it is the best I can do right now. :) I wanted to make sure you all got an update. I ask that you all continue to pray for the baby. I just pray God provides miracles for the baby and heals it completely.

Thank you all so much. I am extremely grateful for all of you.

What do you do??

*This is a blog of mine from March 18th.*

What do you do when you are told that there is a 94-96% chance that your baby will die at birth?

This is my reality. This is extremely difficult to even write but, I don't want to leave you guys wandering how my appt. went and so on. I really don't know what to say right at this moment. All I do know is that it is a really serious situation. I had my routine ultrasound last Friday and they noticed that I had really low amniotic fluid. So, I was scheduled for an appt. with a high risk dr. for an ultrasound on Tuesday. At this appt. they discovered that I had very little amniotic fluid. They don't know what caused this. Everything that would cause this was normal. The baby is developing normally. The problem is that if there is no fluid or very little the lungs will not develop therefore the baby will most likely not survive long after birth. People ask me if it would be easier for me to terminate my pregnancy now (which is an option). For me it would be no. Either way I am going to be devastated to lose my child. I feel like I have to carry this child and give it every chance to live. Every chance for God to provide a miracle and possibley give life to this baby. If I terminated now I would always wander what the end result would have been. So, I choose to carry this baby full term and hope that God heals my baby and gives he/she life. That he/she will be the 4-6%. That my baby will live.

I ask all of you to pray for my baby. Pray that God provides a miracle for this baby.

I love you all and am incredibily thankful for all of you.