My heartache....

These past 2 months have been tough to say the least. I haven't felt like doing much of anything. As you can tell by my blog. :) I have avoided the blog because it really hurts to talk about it all. I have just been trying to get through the days and keep my mind busy so, I wouldn't have to think about reality. The best way I know to explain it to you. I fill my days by focusing all my attention on the child I do have here. I wrap myself up in him. Garrett has helped me in so many ways. That little guy will never know or be able to grasp how much he really has helped me get through this. He gives me ALL the strength I do have. He is where I find my happiness. Without him, I don't feel like I would have been able to get through this as easy/well as I am. I say easy but none of this is easy. Nowhere near it. But, with him, there is reason for my being, he is the reason I continue on, the reason I get up in the morning, the reason I am able to get through the day. I have to keep going on. I can't just give up. Sometimes, I wish I could just throw in the towel and be done. Be done with all the pain I feel on a constant basis. Be done with the fight to get through. But, I can't quit and throw in the towel. Garrett needs me. He needs his mother. I have to be okay and get through this for him. He deserves to have his mommy complete, not broken. It will take time but, I'm working on it. He is just now starting to calm down from all the stress. These past 2 months so much has gone on. It has taken a toll on him and his behavior. Children sense more than we know. I have seen and realized the impact that this all has had on him first hand. I tell you, it's really sad. There for awhile he wouldn't leave my side. It is getting better tho. Thank you Lord! Honestly, It's day by day with him and I.

I have to say that things were getting better. The days were getting easier. I had accepted that he was gone and I would never be able to hold him or see all his first's or milestones. The first's I would just have to dream about. My baby was with Jesus. All I have is all the keepsakes and a permanent scar reminding me of the life I lost. I did and still do, however, find great peace in knowing my baby is with Jesus. What could be better than that?! He is in such a great place. How could I not find peace in that? I find much hope in knowing that one day I will get to see and hold my baby again. Hope is all I have and that hope I hold on to with everything in my soul.

Over the past 2 months, I have been grieving and mourning for my baby boy. My John David Troy. I longed for the son I was told I had. I spent 2 days in the hospital holding and cherishing my baby. Those 2 days I will never forget. When God decided that I would not be keeping my "little boy"; that he had other plans for my precious baby; that he would be taking him home with him, I was devastated. Through all the pain and grief I had to plan a service to lay my baby boy to rest. Every detail of his service meant everything to me. From the clothes I chose to bury him in to the flowers that were chosen. I wanted everything to be perfect. Everything I chose, was for my little boy, in all the boy colors. This service was all I would ever be able to do for him physically and it all HAD to be perfect for him. This was were I would be able to get some closure. Atleast, I thought I would.

Over these past couple months I was finding great peace with my loss. That is.......

Until now....

Now, my world has been turned upside down. My core shaken. I don't know what to think much less what to do. I am devastated. I am numb. I am in shock. I am confused beyond explanation. These past few days I have been trying to process everything. I have only talked to a few of you. I have been trying to sort through all this, take some time to think. Try to find the words to even be able to explain it all. As you all know, I visited my Geneticist on Thursday. That was when we were gonna get all the results of the autopsy. When we were gonna figure out what went wrong. Why my baby died. It is not easy handing your baby over to have an autopsy done on. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But, I felt like we needed to know what happened and if the Dr.'s could figure out what went wrong with my baby then maybe just maybe they would be able to help some other baby. I had put limitations on the autopsy as far as the head. I couldn't let them do that. Honestly, I really wanted to back out of it all together. I still struggle with that decision to this day. Ok, back to my appointment, according to my Geneticist it turns out that my baby was actually my baby girl. My precious baby girl. I really had a daughter. I lost her not him. I am still in shock. I am heartbroken. I have more thoughts and emotions running through my head that I can't even express or explain how I feel. I found out that the baby boy I have been holding on to never even existed. I am struggling. I feel like I have now lost 2 babies. My mind is having trouble grasping everything. As far as the genetic makeup of my baby she was perfect. To me she was so beautiful and perfect. They can't seem to figure out why or what happened. Mine and Dusty's genetic makeup had absolutely no red flags or markers that would indicate any problems. Therefore, we are "cleared" to have more children. Should we decide to have more. Not likely. But, only time will tell. We'll see what the future holds.

Now, When I went in to labor and had my baby girl. It was pretty tramatic. I was rushed to the hospital with what they call "umbilical cord prolapse". I was put under for what they call a "crash" emergent c-section. I was out for awhile and by the time I had woke up she was already gone. Honestly, I am really glad God chose it to be that way because I don't think I could have handled not being able to save my baby and watch her take her last breath. I think I would have lost it worse than I did. When I did wake up they gave her to me and said "It's a boy!" I was surprised (because all along my dr. said he thought it was a girl according to my ultrasounds) but didn't question it. From that point on I never thought again about my Dr. telling me that I'd be having a girl. They never were 100% sure and people make mistakes on ultrasounds all the time. Right?? When they handed her to me and told me I'd had a boy from that moment on I went on and cherished every moment I would be given thinking she was my son. The Dr.'s never once thought maybe we need to do some testing to make sure. Nothing. When my daughter was born she obviously had problems. It's not that I didn't grasp that. It was pretty evident. Really, I didn't care because like I said before to me she was perfect. I can see where she would have appeared to be a boy she had what they call abnormal genitalia: the labia were fused and she had a small (very very small) flap of skin which the dr.'s assumed was a penis. They did notice that she had no testicles which make sense now because she wasn't a boy but didn't question their assumption and assumed they just hadn't dropped yet since she was premature. I know you all probably didn't want details of my child's genetalia but, this is how I am trying to explain what might have went wrong. Among those problems she had others her kidneys and lungs were hypoplastic. One kidney was multicystic along with the bladder obstruction. She had a blockage in her trach and esophagus. She was very sick. God did what was best for my little girl and protected her from all the pain that she would have had to endure if she would have survived. I am very thankful for him and the fact he chose better for her. As much as it hurts me, I am glad she is safe in his hands.

Part of me is angry that they waited 8 weeks to let me know that I had a girl not a boy. I did not bury my baby until a week after I was released from the hospital. They completed her autopsy the day I left the hospital. There was ample amount of time to give me a call and say hey you had a girl. I cannot go back and do it all over. I can't have another service. I can't go back and change any of it. My daughter is buried in a cute little white suit made for a boy, and she had boy toys in her casket with her among other things for a boy. Somehow, some way, I will have to figure out how to be ok with all this. I don't have a choice do I? I have an incredible amount of guilt that I didn't question the Dr.'s, that I can't go back and do it again. Fix it. I can't give her physically what she deserved. I know all that matters is the love I have for her. None of that really matters right? The closure I thought I had. I really don't. In my mind I have lost 2 babies. That is how I feel. It really really hurts! I am still really attached to the baby boy aspect. It's hard. That's all I can say. When it comes down to it I love her more than anything no matter what the result was.

I know this was incredibly long and for that I am sorry. I guess that's what happens when you don't blog for almost 2 months. :)- And, guess what I didn't even cover Garrett's birthday we had or anything else we've been doing lately. teehee! I'll save it for another day. I mean seriously there is so much more I could and probably will say on this but, for now I'll let you all go. My vision is starting to get blurry from this computer! Ah!

I ask you all to pray for peace, wisdom and strength for myself and my family. There is a long journey ahead.

Much love to you all!

Shawna